Jeepers Creepers…where’d ya get those peepers

Look away. I’m hideous.

Dear Readers, I have some really bad news that I need to share. I’ve recently been diagnosed with a Sub-conjunctival Hemmorage. I don’t know how much longer I have, but I do know that the last few moments of my existence, must be spent posting. What’s that quote? “If the Doctor told me I had 6 minutes to live, I would just type faster“? Continue reading

Being married to a vampire sucks

So, if you’ve clicked on one of my fun little pages, you know that I compare my husband to Edward Cullen. You mighta heard of him? from Twilight?  Some hold the opinion that this is a delightful book/movie series dedicated to all the young teenybopper girls out there that go gaga over gorgeous young boys that take their shirts off, turn into wolves, or play baseball to SuperMassive Black Hole by Muse.

I say…pffffft. Clearly, this is a series best enjoyed by Moms who can’t remember the last time their lover tore another guy to pieces for gettin a little flirty, or opened the car door for them…instead of..You comin or what?

Young girls are still getting their share of guys asking them to the prom. They don’t need Twilight.

Moms that have the unpleasant task of cleaning the toilets of little boys with a somewhat spotty aim…. need Twilight.

Anyway, back to my train of thought. It’s occurred to me today, that my dear husband really IS a vampire. The guy doesn’t sleep. I’m not sure how he does it, and so this last week, I thought I would try out his “lifestyle”. I’m younger than him, exercise regularly, and drink a lot more water. Surely I could pull it off.

I feel like the walking dead. And not the good kind.  What was I thinking? I was the one kid in Kindergarten that when our little multi-colored  mats were laid down side by side on the industrial beige tile… made a beeline to my corner of the room, shushed anyone that was too chatty, and within minutes was out like a light.

I must have sleep. Or I find myself where I am right now:  on the edge of a fit of uncontrollable giggles..or hysterical sobbing. Truly, it could go either way. My children have given me a wide berth, as even they can recognize the subtle signs of exhaustion I radiate: an eye that threatens to twitch, an overwhelming craving for anything that is or could be bread, and my snappy, yet adolescent comeback of…SO?!….to every statement.

Mom, you have two different socks onSO?!

Mom..we’re gonna be late. SO?!

Mom..you have a bit of gum stuck in your hair.  SO?!

I cannot compete with the vampire. I need a bed.

I hope to resurface as a kinder, gentler Lisa, that actually cares about matching socks and the state of my hair.

Nightmare on 7th Street

My Beautiful Pinterest Boards. Hey. I’ve worked hard on these.

I’m a good sleeper. I love sleep. Sleep loves me. I need a good nine hours to wake up happy, and ready to go. Picture Snow White, as she scrubs pots and pans, all with a smile on her face. That’s me, well rested and prepared to tackle all the grumpy, sleepy, little dwarves in my family.

 Hush now. This is MY blog. I get to write it the way I want to.

I tossed and turned last night, and walked in and out of strange disconnected dreams. Usually, when that happens, I can’t remember the details of the ebbing images once my feet hit the floor.

Oh, but not this morning. No siree Bob. I remembered.

It was one of those dreams that starts out quite lovely. I was walking in a vineyard. My husband took me to Italy, and sometimes I dream about our long walks through tiny churches, villages; stopping only to drink wine. We stayed close to a little town called Montepulciano, in Tuscany ( In case you aren’t a huge Twilight fan like me, this is where New Moon was filmed).

 I like to refer to this trip as  the No Carb Left Behind mission. I relish my dream escapes from reality, where I travel back in time, but they come about as often as receiving checks in the mail.

I rubbed my dream hands together in delightful anticipation. It was going to be an Italy night! I haven’t had one of these dreams in a while.  O goody-goody gumdrops!

It was going so well. I could smell the rich soil, and see the brilliant golden  fields of sunflowers just over the hill. I was eating and eating. Past full, but not wanting to disappoint the little old Italian lady that was watching my love affair with the food she cooked, with an air of satisfied approval at my every bite.

And then, I was suddenly ripped out of my authentic Italiano, only to be unceremoniously dropped  in front of my computer. In South Dakota. Huh?

Have you ever noticed when you are in the dream world, you don’t find the nonsensical journey your mind takes at all alarming? And like a good little dreamer, I just soldiered on, and got with the program.

Well, here I am. I think I’ll do a little Pinterest, I thought.

 As I entered my login, the screen flashed back at me: Request an invite.

 I tried again. Request an invite.

In estimated dream time, I tried to login to retrieve my precious pins exactly 2,345 times. In the end, I realized the way my own personal nightmare would end.

My boards were gone.

50 Shades of Grey

It’s occurred to me, that I haven’t produced anything of substance in the last few days. I’ve been writing down my giving on the back of an old envelope. And….Holy Cannoli. Today. Is. Day. 29.  What?! How can it be?? If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you could read the post I wrote(Click right here baby)about the challenge I gave myself. Or I could just sum it up. I gave for 29 straight days. Over and above my normal giving. And I wrote about it. I still need to post about the last few days, but I’m running a bit late today. I could fool you into thinking I’ve been working my poor little fingers to the nub. Out delivering meals to the sick, and volunteering at blood drives. (All honorable things, and I did still give, but my gifts were not quite so time-consuming as those)….(and certainly not a good enough excuse for me not putting up a blog lately)

But…I’m figuring out my dear readers are smarter than the average joe. And it could ruin my Karma to attempt blogging trickery. Which would be sad. So here it is:

I’ve been lost in 50 Shades of Grey. It’s a deliciously naughty book series. A trilogy. I’m having flashbacks of being camped out on our couch for a solid four days devouring the Twilight Series. Those authors are so stinkin smart. They artfully end the book at a spot that no curious reader is able to deal with, in any other way than to just buy the next one on the list. 50 shades reminds me of Twilight, with the star crossed lovers, who should probably just shake hands and part ways if they knew what was good for em.  But in contrast, it was NOT written with the average teen in mind. O no sirree. It is most definitely for adults. In fact, I think it may be for 40-year-old stay at home moms who wipe noses and chauffeur their children around for fun.

I HAVE been giving. But I’ve also been reading. And deciding that this guy is probably what Christian Grey looks like.

Do NOT read this book if you are someone pressed for time. Or if you can't handle explicit, OMG...scenarios.

I promise to write a proper blog entry soon. Today is Day 29!!! I’m off to give something really awesome today.

Day 10! Big fat hen!

Cover of "Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Sag...

I fall madly in love with fictional characters.

Wonky title eh? Sorry bout that.  Surrounded by little people, I am constantly singing or hearing…1, 2, buckle my shoe! 3, 4, shut the door! 5, 6, pick up sticks! 7, 8, lay them straight! 9, 10 , BIG FAT HEN! I have a lotta words that I can’t say without the others. Very funny Easter Bunny…..HI HO cheerio…Fine and Dandy cotton candy..easy peasy lemon squeezy.  It’s an occupational hazard of being a Mom/Substitute Preschool Teacher. I’m in a bit of sillier-than-normal mood today. And I owe it all to my gift for the day. Creating it was Solid Bliss on a stick. Knowing it is being delivered in the next day or two creates excitement for me much like my anticipation I have for the final Twilight Movie..Breaking Dawn part 2. As some of my more loyal (and awesome, sexy, fantastical) readers know, my husband bears a striking resemblance to Edward, the 100-year-old vegetarian vampire that has a special likeness for Claire Delune and fast cars. Anyway, where am I? I drifted off a bit there.

O yes. My gift for today. My dear, sweet friend of many years, fellow Mommy who was in the trenches with me of sleepless nights, non-pacifier taking babies, dirty diapers up the yin yang and sore nipples turned numb nipples due to non-pacifier taking babies. She called me with news of her now teenage son who I will be referring to from this point on as Dangerboy  falling in a climbing accident from several feet above. He shattered a great number of  vertebrae in his back, as well as breaking his leg. By the grace of God, his free fall was broken by a ledge, and he landed  in such a way that he will eventually be just fine. As she has said, he has a long road of healing ahead of him though, and I wanted to send a care package across our wide open state to show how much we love and support them. Here’s where the fun came in.

Being a HUGE Seinfeld fan, I recalled the scene where Elaine hears of her boyfriend being in an accident, but stops off quick to get some jujyfruit. So, I got the biggest box I could find, and wrote to young Dangerboy that I was on my way to see him at the hospital, but I had to stop off for jujyfruits first. ahhhh the cleverness of me. Nevermind that none of this will make sense to him. A detail.  The other scene involves Kramer, eating Junior Mints as he and Jerry watch a surgery  from above in the Observation Balcony.  As the patient is cut open from naval to chest, Kramer accidentally catapults a junior mint straight into the depths of the incision. The doctor is puzzled with this man’s complete recovery. Kramer and Jerry are the only ones who know the truth: Junior Mints.

So, of course, I had to include some of those. But, being a bit of a wanna be health nut myself, I thought some Carrot Chips were in order as well. I mean, the boy’s got some healing to do.  I had fun writing all over the candies, cards and Carrot chip bags. And ended up sending the whole kit n caboodle in the Carrot Chip box. Which I found hilarious, and evidently so did the worker at the post office. And let me tell you, it’s not easy to make that guy smile. I just hope it makes Dangerboy smile. He may not get all the Seinfeld references. That’s ok. It’s sugar and chocolate…carrot chips…and love.

And it was my gift that has left a permanent smile on MY face. I think Mballi may be right when she says that the energy of giving builds over the 29 days. I will write a post soon about how much grace has boomerangd back to me. If you are thinking you’d like to get in on this giving..it’s not too late. I’ll meet you wherever you are in your journey. Feel free to post your gifts everyday here. I guarantee you will inspire others and your giving will be as contagious as the chicken pox. Which are very contagious indeed  as I found out when I was in the 8th grade. I’ll probably tell that story at some point. It was very traumatic. Stay tuned.

Day 6

My husband, Edward. Paws off ladies.

Today my gift  is a tad wacky. I have to tell you, I woke up on the wrong side of the Easter Bunny this morning. But I’m coming around. I’ve been having such a lovely time writing away at my blog, that I never stopped to consider any of the people in my life that might be affected by my stories. This same  exact thing happened to Spongebob. He got all famous telling jokes at his friend’s expense: Sandy Cheeks, Patrick the Starfish, Mr. Krabs…and they got pretty torked. Now, I haven’t been telling any  how many squirrels does it take to change a lightbulb jokes, but in my zest to share… I have been sharing a bit that some may put in the category of OVERsharing. I really used SHARE a lot in that last sentence. If I were a blogger worth my salt, I would look for synonyms for SHARE. But, I’m in a bit of a mood today, so bear with me.

It’s just how I’m wired. At first, I’m pretty shy, don’t say much, and keep the details of my life under wraps. But, if you wait  five minutes, I’ll open up about my childhood, time spent in a traveling circus, and I’ll probably hand over  my Facebook password. I tend to forget that not everyone is like this. And today, I was given a gentle reminder of this very fact. It got me to wondering…could letting others be themselves, be a gift?

My children. Pay no attention to the fact that the baby is a girl.

I think so. And because of this, I just went back through all my posts, and changed the names of those mentioned in them, to protect their privacy. I had quite a lot of fun in my new ABOUT MYSELF post…and if you too, are in a bit of a mood today, and don’t feel like jetting over to that one..I’ll give you the highlights. My children have now been dubbed Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. It’s from the book series…A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. We cherish those books in this house, and strangely enough..the characters fit my offspring  to a Tee. Violet, the oldest is an inventor. Perfect! So is my daughter…kind of.  Klaus, the middle child is a book-worm. Well, that may be a little misleading of  my oldest  son’s identity, but he does enjoy books. Sunny, the baby,  is a biter, but very cute, and a little girl. Oops. My youngest is definitely  not a girl a small detail..but very cute none the less. See? an almost perfect fit for all.

But I must confess, I had the most fun building a character for my husband, who from this point forward..I shall be referring to as Edward the extremely handsome 100-year-old vampire. We had a highschool romance, that resulted in a young marriage. He’s a few years older than me, so I chortled and teehee’d my way through portraying our relationship with  shots from the movie Twilight. It’s a tough job, but somebody had to do it.   I’ve put my family and friends into the witness protection program. I have to say, even though it’s my gift to my loved ones on this Day 6 of my giving project, I’ve had a ball makin stuff up. I’m pretty good at it! As for me, my creativity ends here.  I’m not changing a thing. I’m still just Lisa. Or am I?   🙂