Church of Baseball

I believe in the Church of Baseball.

I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones.

I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan.

I know things.

For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball.

When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance.

But it just didn’t work out between us.

The Lord laid too much guilt on me.

I prefer metaphysics to theology.

You see, there’s no guilt in baseball, and it’s never boring… which makes it like sex.

There’s never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn’t have the best year of his career.

Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate.

Besides, I’d never sleep with a player hitting under .250… not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle.

You see, there’s a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys.

I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I’ve got a ballplayer alone, I’ll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen.

‘Course, a guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay.

I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty.

‘Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games.

Sometimes it seems like a bad trade.

But bad trades are part of baseball – now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God’s sake?

It’s a long season and you gotta trust it.

I’ve tried ’em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.

Annie Savoy played by Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham