I believe in the Church of Baseball.
I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones.
I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan.
I know things.
For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball.
When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance.
But it just didn’t work out between us.
The Lord laid too much guilt on me.
I prefer metaphysics to theology.
You see, there’s no guilt in baseball, and it’s never boring… which makes it like sex.
There’s never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn’t have the best year of his career.
Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate.
Besides, I’d never sleep with a player hitting under .250… not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle.
You see, there’s a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys.
I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I’ve got a ballplayer alone, I’ll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen.
‘Course, a guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay.
I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty.
‘Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games.
Sometimes it seems like a bad trade.
But bad trades are part of baseball – now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God’s sake?
It’s a long season and you gotta trust it.
I’ve tried ’em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.
Annie Savoy played by Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham