“My heart wants roots My mind wants wings. I cannot bear Their bickerings.”
|—||E.Y. Harburg (via thepinesaredancing)|
My dear blogging friend Jenni, over at News of the Times posted one of her favorite songs, by the Dixie Chicks. I know the song well, but clicked on the YouTube video anyway. I haven’t heard that tune in a while, and as I was listening to it, it took on a different meaning for me. I’ve played with the idea of ending my relationship with Facebook. I’ve often confided in my NON- Facebooker friends some of the cons to being “connected”. And their reply is always, “Wow Lis. That doesn’t sound good at all, or fun. Why are you still on it?” I won’t give you the sordid details, but I’ll paint the big strokes for you.
For someone like me, and I emphasize, LIKE ME, the Facebook experience can be a quick transport back to junior high. And not the fun Junior High that included your first kiss and favorite teacher. (Kiss. Teacher. Two separate experiences, just to be clear). No, I mean the junior high experience of showing up to school and being the only one who didn’t get the memo that the jeans you wore a week ago…got put on the OUT list. Or the accidental finding of a note that was written solely about you and how annoying you are.
I say “someone like me” because many people may be unaware that I am both a Scorpio, AND the youngest member of my family. I know, right? SUCH a bad combo. If you aren’t schooled on Astrological signs and birth order, I’ll sum it up for you. The world MUST like me; I need a lot of acknowledgment and encouragement. And I’m paranoid as hell. If I see that someone has quite obviously been “ON” Facebook, and ignored my “Activity” , an insidious dialogue takes over the logical spaces of my brain.
“I bet you ticked her off. You know, when you saw her at that last football game, she said “Hi”, but it wasn’t overly friendly. I know what’s going on. She’s boycotting the LIKING of my statuses. OMG. Why? Did I get too truthful, was I offensive, is it because I’m mostly Vegan?”
And it goes on this until I call one of my trusted counselor/friends and they throw some cold water through the phone line in my face and tell me to knock it off. Clearly, Facebook isn’t for me. Yet, why have I been clinging to it like last year’s Christmas Tree?
I love feeling like I’m still connected to people I’m no longer a part of their daily life. And sometimes, I feel REALLY LIKED. (At this point you may be clicking to my ABOUT to find out how old I actually am. Did you accidentally stumble onto one of those teenager blogs? But you don’t see 300 self photos, and you are doubtful. So, I’ll fill you in: I’m 41. Yes you read that right. FORTY-ONE.) Isn’t that horrible? I have this wonderful life. Full to the brim with wonderful family, friends, Preschoolers that think I’m the Bombdiggity, and a dog who worships me. And here I am, out for Pie Crust Crumbs from Facebook’s Dinner table.
Not to say that I think the people on Facebook are flaky. Well, some of them are. But I do have fantastic friends. Ones I’ve cherished, and have loved getting to know on Facebook, or am continuing to know from my childhood. And if I could just keep those things, I would never leave Mark Zucker-whatever’s Brainchild. But that isn’t the extent of it for me. I don’t judge anyone who chooses to be on Facebook. But, for me, I think I need a bigger space. Less judgement, less negativity, less politics; less not feeling accepted for who I am. As for remaining “connected” and informed of those that live far away, I do regret the upcoming rift. I hope we can talk on the phone, or arrange lunches when I’m in their vicinity. All of these thoughts have rambled around in my head, and I must tell you it feels amazing to have some clarity, at last.
Which is where my Jenni comes in. She posted the Dixie Chicks, “Wide Open Spaces”. As I listened to the song for 812th time in my life, its words changed from one meaning to another. The line, “She needs wide open spaces, room to make her big mistakes” lifted a veil that had been drawn over my BIG PICTURE view. I over share, I talk about controversial things, I place my heart raw and unprotected on Facebook, and put expectations on people that aren’t fair or reasonable. Facebook is making me feel closed-in; limited. I suddenly fear who will take this or that offensively, or in judgment. When I see two heads together in the coffee shop, I wonder, ‘YIKES! Are they talking about that edgy new song I just posted? It WAS a little off the beaten path for small town South Dakota!’ (yes, it’s always about me. Isn’t that lovely? It’s shocking I have any friends.)
I love writing, and in my writing I love being REAL. One of my favorite authors, Lisa (awesome name, huh?) from a Gripping Life just got VERY REAL on her blog today, and I applaud her for it. She has asked for support from the blogging world, and she will get it. She has made a world of friends by being such a source of kindness and compassion through her posts. She shares the ups and downs of life, and by sharing, she gives others permission to do the same.
I need the wide open spaces of my blog to share my thoughts and learn how to be an author. I don’t need a self-imposed jail of judgement that I’m finding Facebook to be. There are a thousand things I will miss about logging in, but TWO thousand I won’t. Right now, I’m trying to decide how to let my friends know. If I do this big Status Update…I’m worried that many will have the reaction, “Oh, well isn’t SHE special?! Who does she think she is? Get off Facebook, but spare us the play-by play.“(See how my brain constructs dialogue out of thin air?)But then again, I don’t just want to drop off the face of the earth. I am keeping my Carr Party of Five Facebook page, because I think it’s handy for others to become aware of a new post. But the personal Facebook must go, as it may cause me to adopt the Jackie O look of a scarf and huge sunglasses when I run to the Grocery. And I don’t wear scarves well; Funny -shaped head.
I’ll have to think about it some more, but I would truly welcome any of your thoughts on this whole subject, and any advice. Also, a big Thank You to Jenni, who pushed me to a decision that I know to be right for me, Scorpio/Youngest/CrazyLady Extraordinaire.