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Bollocks!

I love the British. You could be the smarmiest individual in the WORLD, come to take every last penny I own…..and if you speak with a crisp, British accent…I would smile and blush, and ask you if you wanted it in cash or by card.

Which is probably why I loved the movie LOVE ACTUALLY so much.

Colin is fed up with British gals. As you can see in the video. *Psssst! Did you watch it? The 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your $ back thing only works if you watch.

Colin: Exciting news!
Tony: What?
Colin: I’ve bought a ticket to the States. I’m off in three weeks.
Tony: No!
Colin: Yes! To a fantastic place called Wisconsin.
Tony: No!
Colin: Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin! Whoo hoo!
Tony: No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they’re already going out with rich, attractive guys.
 Colin: Nah, Tone, you’re just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.
Tony: That is total bollocks. You’ve actually gone mad, now.
Colin: No, I’m wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.
Tony: No, Colin, no!
Colin: Yes!
 Tony: Nyet!
Colin: Da!
 Tony: Nein!
Colin: Ja, darling!

He gets to the bar in Wisconsin, and comes upon some lovely girls. All who LOVE his accent, and ask him to repeat words that sound boring in English, like bottle, in his cute British accent.

The pretty girls come to the same conclusion as I: ALL things sound better when spoken by folks across the pond. A cute accent will get you everywhere.

The difference is clear:

American: Those guys just robbed me of my underpants!

British: The pair of them just took off with my knickers!

See? It takes an ugly situation an makes it sound less alarming.

American: OMG..watch that guy like totally stuff his face!

British: Oh My! That fine fellow is really tucking into that pastry!

It’s so much better to Tuck IN.

American: Cool!

British: Brilliant!

Notice how BRILLIANT just rolls off the tongue?

American: Crap!

British: Bloody Hell!

The English do not feel the need to mention anything having to do with bowel movements.

American: Shit!

British: Shite!

Ok, so they do ONCE in a while….but it sounds much more dignified.

American: Potatoes

British: Sprouts

Did you know an American president (He who must not be named) once misspelled potato….potatoe? For all the other countries to see.  It’s confusing, for sure. Our presidents don’t need anything to confuse them. Sprouts seems less tricky.

American: Dude

British: Bloke

Not all Americans are gangsters, but we all (myself included) like to pretend we are. There’s only a few of us(myself included) who have any business doing so.

Yo.

British also like to say BOLLOCKS! which makes me giggle like a school girl.

And, my biggest reason yet for converting to British: my friend Dotty Headbanger lives in England. I love everything Dotty, except maybe her Cumberland Sausages, which to be fair, I haven’t given a go yet.

Do NOT push this button:

Unless you are Colin, god of sex.

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34 thoughts on “Bollocks!

  1. I feel it my bounden duty to inform you that a sprout is not a British potato. It’s a sort of Belgian green thing that we are inexplicably expected to eat at Christmas, whereupon it will make its presence felt in various alarming ways in revenge for something we must have done to Brussels long, long ago.

  2. LOVE, Love Actually!!!! One of my favorite movies of all times! There was more than one lobster present at the birth of the baby Jesus? Somehow I say this all the time with my best British accent!! 🙂

      • What is not to love about that one? And then I cry every time when he is running in the airport and the other guy is going to get his gal and she learned English Just in Cases…I use that quote on a daily basis. My husband loves the Dunkin Donuts queen line or however that one goes. We have seen it A LOT. It’s prey much a Thanksgiving tradition for us to get us into the holiday mood. Missed you the past few days! 🙂 Glad you’re back!

  3. I tend to like the Irish aceent more than the British. And I seem to be one of the few people in our area that can understand the Scottish one! I remember picking Australia because I thought, “How easy! I won’t have to learn another language”…boy was I wrong! They use the same words but everything has a different meaning! Don’t you dare “root” for the home team here! And you would never tell anyone you wore a “fanny” pack. AND, they actually go outside for a “fag”. Not to mention “chips”, “bisquit” and “scone” – if you order them you will not get what you thought you would. 🙂
    Cheers,
    Laura

  4. Great read (this coming from a Brit!). Lost a bit on the sprout though? Would just be a spud, no? Great post, made me smile!

  5. So it is true! I always thought it was a ruse by Hollywood to make those of us across the pond buy more movies;). No wonder British guys are always eager to head to the States.
    And ‘Newsofthetimes’ is right, Brussel sprouts and tatoes aren’t the same thing ‘luv’ (que British accent). They definitely are yucky and even I dont understand why we have to eat them Christmas or whenever.

  6. Ha ha… sprouts and spuds are both quite lovely in very different ways. I don’t really notice the British accent but love the whole American South “Gone with the Wind” charm. My knees just wobble thinking about that particular accent…

  7. I’m with you: Anglophile to the core. My father was born in Oxford and came over here as a young man. I never knew him, but I felt the tug and have been across the pond a couple of times. It is a lovely (!) place to visit (they use words like that. Also, “clever” when they mean “intelligent”). Thahks for the trip over and back! 🙂

  8. This is one of my all time ever favorite movies. I love how the British can say anything and it sounds, well regal. We Americans say, Our backyard,” the British say, “the garden.” I love how they put u’s in words. Favourite, humour, etc. And how they put the accent on the second syllables of words. We Americans usually accent the first syllable.

    The soundtrack to that movie is also one of the best ever.

    They say bollocks! (according to Urban dictionary, it’s a “highly flexible term). We say testicles.

  9. Dear Lisa,

    America doesn’t have sprouts?

    EVERYONE has them for Christmas dinner.

    (I think the word you were looking for instead of potatoes is ‘spuds’)

    Love Dotty xxx

    P.S. Thank you for putting me in your post. 🙂

    • Dear Dotty,
      I KNOW! I screwed up!!!
      ahahhahaa!!!!
      Silly AMerican me.
      ANd, I love brussel sprouts!!! LOVE EM!
      I had no idea you guys had em for Christmas dinner!
      Isn’t that funny?
      And you are welcome my dear friend.
      I’ll always love you to pieces.

      Love, Lis
      xoxoxoox

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