Day 13. Look away…I’m hideous.

The more I know about this woman, the more I admire and respect her.

Well, I suppose it was  inevitable. It only took me 23 posts, or so…to get to a topic I had hoped to avoid like the chicken pox. But, much like my 13-year-old self…that ending up having to entertain “the pox”…as one of my best friends loved to refer to my itchy  condition….it seems I have to invite this little topic in, for all the world to see.  My gift for day 13  is about as strange as you’re gonna get, but the voice in my head spoke loudly.  Some days I can ignore it, or push it aside, not unlike complicated piano music that seems too  hard, or unpleasant to consider. But not on this rainy day  turned sunny Sunday.

I allowed my husband, who generously offered, to take both of our  boys to an indoor swimming party. Even though I knew one of my best friends would be there, expecting me to come. Despite harboring a suspicion that my boys would have liked me to be there, to watch them swim…and dare I say  to get in the water with them.  There are many reasons to miss such an event. A nasty cold. An obligation for work. A heaping pile of laundry from a busy weekend. I wish I could tell you any of these reasons, because they actually make some sense. My real reason when stood up against these arguably noble ones is just plain hideous:

I was feeling particularly chubby today, and vain. Therefore, the thought of donning my swimsuit compared with my fear of  walking into a tall grassy field that could potentially be camouflaging 2,000 garden snakes.

When my husband called to tell me our 5-year-old was wanting to come home, because I wasn’t there…I squirmed. When my friend sent an incredulous text asking where the heck I was…I got positively twitchy. What had I done? I felt ashamed, and frankly ridiculous. And I made a vow right then. Here’s where my gift comes in. Where you wondering if I would ever get around to it?

 I will no longer go AWOL for  my children’s activities because of my lack of magazine model perfection. I will not leave my friend high and dry because my rock hard abs have seem to have gone missing. I refuse to miss out on LIFE, all because I didn’t think I could pull off a swimsuit today.              So how long does it take to hit  perfection? Probably a long time. And I’m willing to keep trying to be my best. Eating to be healthy, working out to be able to keep up with my kids…squeezing my bum bum, because gravity is a fact. But, I’m deciding today, and proclaiming it loudly…that I will not be found  waiting for some pie-in the sky picture in my mind of what I should look like before I decide to show up in my life. My gift to myself today, is the promise. And telling you that promise.  Because, you see, by writing this, for potentially many to read at their convenience, it seems more official.

It’s as though I heard the voice that spoke so clearly today, and not only listened, but gave it a guest spot on Oprah.  It’s a tad embarrassing, and  like a criminal that leaves clues because it wants to be caught….I feel a sense of relief. It’s hard work keeping such ugly thoughts to oneself.  Now that  I’ve shared them though, they feel much less burdensome. If you readers were more savvy, you could find a way to charge me for this wonderful therapy session.  🙂                                                              


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